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.Right now I need you to get a power drill and a hacksaw with extra blades and come to the loft.”And I’m all, “I don’t know where to get stuff like that, and Foo’s at work, and I’m on restriction, and I have to go to school tomorrow.I have a test, so I totally can’t cut class, and besides, what do you need that stuff for?”And she’s all, “Find the tools and come now.Tommy is stuck in the statue and we need to get him out.”And I’m thinking, Oops.But I’m chill and I’m like, “Can’t he get out the same way you did?”And the Countess is all, “Tommy doesn’t know how to turn to mist.That’s how I escaped, but Tommy has been trapped in there for—how long, Abby?”“Oh, like a couple of days.It’s all so foggy, after the head trauma.”Then I hear her saying, like, “Jared, come over here.I want Abby to hear your neck snap.”“Okay, like five weeks.Fuck, Countess, overreact much?”“Come now, Abby.”And she just clicks off.So I text Foo: COUNTESS OUT, NEED HACKSAW PWRDRILL NOWAnd he’s all: WTF? WTF? WTF? OUT? WTF? ACE HARDWARE, CASTRO ST(I know.Four WTFs! Foo has deep intellectual curiosity.Last week he quizzed me for twenty minutes on what it was like to have a clitoris.I just kept saying “nice.” I know, I’m such a tard, I couldn’t think of anything else.I so have to learn French.They have like thirty-seven words for clitoris.They’re like snow to Eskimos, only you know, harder to build an igloo out of.)’Kayso, I text him: KTXBYE
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