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.He wouldn’t let go of me, though I tried to shake him off.‘No,’ he said again, and tightened his grip.I believe he thought it was myself I wanted to be rid of.‘It was cruel of you,’ I shouted.‘It was you who encouraged me to approach her.’‘My life has gone in a flash,’ he said.‘As yours will.’‘Words,’ I crowed.‘Just words.’‘How else are we to be understood?’ he demanded.‘I loved her,’ I whined.‘I wanted to please her.’‘We have but a short time to please the living,’ he said.‘And all eternity to love the dead,’ and with that he prised the painting from my grasp and rubbed at her face with his sleeve.‘Come inside,’ he implored.‘There’s a good chap.It’s cold out here.’‘You had no right,’ I muttered.‘It was not the behaviour of a friend.’‘My dear boy,’ he said.‘Have you not yet learnt that it’s every man for himself?’FIVESunday, 14th AprilNothing lasts, neither joy nor despair.Having retired to bed considerably the worse for drink and hoping to die, I woke refreshed and full of optimism.Memories of the latter part of the previous night eluded me, though I remembered telling someone – either Hopper or Charlie – of my amorous encounter with Wallis in the foyer and receiving an assurance that when next we met she would behave as if nothing had happened.Indeed, I seemed to recall standing near her in the elevator when I was taken up to clearmy head, and she was smiling; this was probably wishful thinking.As for the earlier half of that momentous evening, beyond a slight twinge of guilt at having smeared that obscene verb on the bathroom glass, I’d banished the whole shameful business from my mind and resolved never to dwell on it again.Here, Sissy came once more to the rescue – she’d taught me long ago that if ever a frightening picture flew into my head I was to imagine a giant foot coming down to stamp it flat.When McKinlay came in with the tea he unaccountably carried the painting of my mother under his arm.He said an affable gentleman in spectacles had given it to him first thing that morning.He made to replace it on the wall but I told him to leave it propped against the skirting board.‘I hear we won’t be docking now until Wednesday morning,’ I said.‘That was the case yesterday, sir.I understand our speed has increased since then and we might yet make it by Tuesday night.Of course, it’s not an easy matter to berth a ship of this size in darkness.’‘I suppose not.’‘But Captain Smith’s the man to do it, sir.I’ve sailed with him four times on the Olympic and believe me it’s an education to see him con the ship at full speed up the channels entering New York.There was one particular time, very tricky it was, sir.it could have ended badly.It made one flush with pride the way he swung her round, judging his distances to a nicety, she heeling over to the helm with only a matter of feet to spare between each end of the ship and the banks, and him standing cool as a cucumber with his wee dog at his side.’‘I’ve noticed he doesn’t drink,’ I said.‘Not even wine with his dinner.’‘Not a drop, sir.But then, a man with drink in him is mostly out of control.’ I thought he looked at me too boldly and was about to remind him that he hadn’t been too steady on his pins the other afternoon when there was a knock at the door.It was Charlie, at which McKinlay, gathering my clothes up from the floor and holding them ostentatiously at arm’s length, left.Charlie had come expecting to find me prostrate.‘You were terribly squiffy last night,’ he said.‘And morose.You kept wishing you were dead.Several times you came out with the most appalling language.Fortunately the girls weren’t present.’‘Who brought me back here?’‘The Jew with the curls.The one Mrs Morgan’s taken a shine to.He and I took you up on deck.You were frightfully sick.That’s probably why you look so well now.’‘I feel brand new,’ I said, and meant it.‘From now on I’m going to be as dull as ditch water and turn my life around.You’re talking to a serious man.’‘You had cause,’ he said.‘It must have been horrid for you, Wallis ticking you off and all.’ At this I started to think of the all and quickly summoned up the image of that giant foot.‘If you really are going to be dull,’ he went on, ‘perhaps you’d spend the morning with me.They’re holding a church service in the saloon at ten.’ He stared at me so earnestly and so humbly I could have hugged him.‘Dear, sweet Charlie,’ I replied, ‘I can think of nothing more exciting.’ At this, even his nose flushed pink.Captain Smith conducted Divine Service.Passengers from all classes attended, those from the third fairly gawping to find themselves in such opulent surroundings.They were sent to stand at the front which was a mercy because some of the children smelled and many scratched their heads continuously.I couldn’t see Adele, but then, for her, a visit to the top decks hardly ranked as a novelty.Nor was Wallis present.I’d half hoped she would be, thinking she’d be less inclined to give me the cold shoulder in the middle of a religious service.Then again, it would ill suit her to adopt a holier than thou attitude when only a few hours before – here, I brought that foot down sharp.Smith read the service from the company’s own prayer book.It didn’t seem all that different from the Book of Common Prayer except it appeared to go on longer.The orchestra accompanied the hymn singing.Charlie sang his head off.The cellist got an attack of hiccups; every time his chest jerked his bow bounced on the strings.My shoulders started to shake but Melchett shot me such a look of reproach that I checked myself.The only thing that kept me awake was the kerfuffle that broke out when a strapping woman from steerage belted a boy round the ear for fidgeting and he kicked her back.That and the singing of ‘Eternal Father Strong To Save’.Hearing those ragged voices begin the ascending plea, O hear us when we cry to Thee for those in peril on the sea, it was hard to remain unmoved.One or two ladies, overcome with emotion, audibly sniffed.I was idly studying the elaborate plasterwork of the ceiling when I became aware that someone at the front had turned round to look at me.It was Mrs Straus’s maid, who had once worked for Sissy.Instantly I remembered my disgraceful behaviour on the stairs.As soon as the service was over I went in search of Mr and Mrs Straus, running them to earth in the Palm Court.They accepted my apology kindly enough.Mrs Straus said she couldn’t be cross with me this morning of all mornings, or anyone else for that matter, because she and Mr Straus anticipated communicating by wireless telegraphy with their son and his wife who were on their way to Europe on board the passing ship Amerika.She hadn’t the least notion of how such miracles were performed but was grateful they could be accomplished on her behalf
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